king of petty

​(Tempo: Upbeat, funky bassline, maybe a little mischievous piano) ​(Verse 1) I woke up feeling dangerous, chose violence and a snack My neighbor blocked my driveway, so I parked on his back He asked to borrow sugar, I gave him salt instead Now his cookies taste like the tears that he will shed. ​I don’t believe in karma, I don’t believe in fate I believe in holding grudges until a later date You didn’t hold the door at the Wawa down the street? I hope your hoagie’s soggy and your soda has no fizz. ​(Chorus) Oh, I’m the King of Petty, wearing a tinfoil crown The most passive-aggressive dude in this entire town From Martin Blvd to the moody Chesapeake bay If you cross me once, you’re gonna rue the day! I serve my revenge cold, like a suppressed memory Welcome to Middle River, don’t you mess with me. ​(Verse 2) My ex liked a photo of a guy she used to date So I logged into her Netflix and messed up her "Continue Watching" slate I watched the last ten minutes of every show she likes Now she’s got spoilers raining down like rigorous strikes. ​My coworker stole my stapler, thought he was being slick So I loosened all the screws on his ergonomic chair... click He sat down for a meeting and sank into the floor I said, "Must be the humidity," and walked right out the door. ​(Bridge) They say "Let it go," be the bigger man, rise above But I express my feelings through the art of tough love Forgiveness is divine, but payback? That’s an art Like sending you a glitter bomb that tears your rug apart. I don’t get mad, I don’t get even, I get creative I’m a petty local legend, a vindictive native! ​(Guitar Solo - sounds like a cartoon chase scene) ​(Verse 3) You didn't wave thanks when I let you merge on 43? I’ll drive exactly the speed limit, staring at you with glee. You replied "K" to my paragraph of text? Enjoy the three dots of typing... for the next hour... what comes next? ​I saw you at the seafood spot, you took the last crab cake So I told the waiter it was your birthday (big mistake) They sang the loudest song, put a sombrero on your head While I ate your fries and left the rest for dead. ​(Chorus) Yeah, I’m the King of Petty, long may I reign Inflicting minor inconveniences and mild psychological pain From Wilson Point to Bowleys Quarters, hear my decree "An eye for an eye? No, a tooth for a fee!" I serve my revenge cold, usually with a side of fries The King of Middle River... keeps his eyes on the prize! ​(Outro) (Spoken) Yeah... keep the change. Actually, wait. I want the penny. Give me the penny. It’s the principle. (Fade out on maniacal, yet quiet, laughter)