Well I stepped up to the podium,

[Intro – bright retro synth arpeggios, campy drum machine click] (Instrumental Solo) [Verse 1 – bouncy bass, playful synth stabs] I stepped up to the podium, hair sprayed like a national monument The first thing that they asked me was, “Ma’am… how is the DOW?” I smiled like I practiced, til my teeth were practically patriotic Said “The market’s doing fabulous, just look at it — wow.” [Chorus – soaring retro synth hook, layered backing vocals] The charts are very beautiful, the numbers are incredible Arrows point in every direction that is technically allowable If it dips, that’s strategy, if it spikes, that’s mastery If it wiggles sideways, that’s the freedom of the DOW [Verse 2 – playful xylophone riff, upbeat drum shuffle] Don’t you worry citizens, your 401(k) is glistening I’ve been briefed by several binders and a man who whispered “cows” The DOW is strong and confident, it’s thriving, it’s magnificent If you ask me one more time, I’ll say it even louder now [Chorus – intensified synth layers, call-and-response vocals] The charts are very beautiful, the numbers are incredible Arrows point in every direction that is technically allowable If it dips, that’s strategy, if it spikes, that’s mastery If it wiggles sideways, that’s the freedom of the DOW [Bridge – sparse synth hum, dramatic spoken-word delivery] “How is the DOW?” It’s tremendous “How is the DOW?” It’s astounding “How is the DOW?” It’s performing in ways that are frankly just not done by other indexes Thank you, no more questions [Solo – retro synth lead, campy vibrato, building energy] (Instrumental Solo) [Final Chorus – full retro pop arrangement, over-the-top theatrical vocals] The charts are very beautiful, the numbers are incredible Arrows point in every direction that is technically allowable If it dips, that’s strategy, if it spikes, that’s mastery If it wiggles sideways, that’s the freedom of the DOW [Outro – fading synth, playful drum machine fade-out] The DOW’s still shining bright, long after the lights go down No more questions now, let the market take its crown